A Carol Wright Christmas

I’ve always been a fan of As Seen On TV crap. I haven’t actually bought much of it in my life, I just love the idea of it. I like to imagine the process that each one of these items goes through from being dreamed up by some maniac all the way to being marketed to me on a commercial at 3am. Behind every Shake Weight and Perfect Meatloaf Pan is a person with a dream (and a desire to make a lot of money). That appeals to me. Capitalism baby, the American Dream. Fuck yeah.

I have a great aunt who, for as long as I’ve been alive, has bought many items she saw on TV. She’s also been a dedicated Home Shopping Network supporter since its inception. In her backyard is a shed where she has managed to pile up various things she’s bought from the television over the last thirty years. Any time I see something on TV I might actually want, I ask my aunt if she has one first and usually she does. Her addiction to HSN has provided me with some amazing gifts over the years. Not amazing like I cherish them and will be passing them down to my children. More like “omg, get this out of my house.” That’s why I don’t have any pictures to share with you. A quick google image search supplied me with a good example of one of her many gifts.

The Purse Cookie Jar. Because a tacky red handbag will blend right into your kitchen. Put it right next to your lipstick shaped olive oil dispenser.

So in the great tradition set forth by my aunt, this year I am going to be purchasing everyone’s Christmas presents from Carol Wright Gifts. Are you familiar with Carol Wright? It’s basically everything you see on late night television commercials and then some. I’m not exactly sure why but I received a catalog in the mail. When I finally flipped through it I was so excited to learn of all the fantastic treasures inside! How have I lived my life this long without a Hair Funnel? Why am I risking the danger of not owning an Escape Hammer?

After looking through the paper catalog I decided to check out the online one. Naturally I went straight to the Sexual Aids section. Is there anything better than online reviews for sex toys? Aren’t you just dying to know what “Ginger Cake” of North Carolina thinks of her Clitoral Pump? Or how “LOVEME” from Kansas and her husband were “SATIFITED AT THE SAME TIME” (actual quote) by using a Vibrating Erection Ring? As they say, this is the kind of shit you can’t make up.

But back to Christmas presents, I want everyone I know in real life to know that your gift this year is coming straight from Carol Wright. Preferably it will cost under twenty dollars. You may browse through and tell me what you’d like or you can let me choose something for you, if you’re into surprises. Don’t be a snob, there is surely something in these pages that you would welcome into your life and home. And if you choose something of the “adult” variety, don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Winky face.

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  1. #1 by Kg on November 16, 2012 - 3:24 pm

    YES! At first glance I can say that there are several kitchen helpers that I would enjoy if you are so inclined.

    • #2 by Porkchop on November 17, 2012 - 9:12 am

      It’s been noted. :)

  2. #3 by Sandee on November 16, 2012 - 3:34 pm

    I love that your great aunt has a home shopping network shopping addiction. I remember when the home shopping network first came out in the mid-eighties. At work, the secretaries would sit in the conference room and watch it on the monitor.

    • #4 by Porkchop on November 17, 2012 - 9:12 am

      Ha! Yeah let me know if there is anything you see on TV you like. I can get it for you discounted.

  3. #5 by Janet Johnson on November 16, 2012 - 4:07 pm

    I couldn’tstop laughing!!

  4. #6 by MissFourEyes on November 17, 2012 - 1:25 am

    I love this site already!
    Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has ever thought of giving me an Escape Hammer. Do I not look like the kind of person who would get stuck in a car?!

    • #7 by Porkchop on November 17, 2012 - 9:13 am

      I know, right? They’re only 7 dollars! Stocking stuffers!

  5. #8 by good2begone on November 17, 2012 - 7:17 am

    “Vibrating Erection Ring”……sounds like sexual shock treatment for 2…who wouldn’t want that?

    • #9 by Porkchop on November 17, 2012 - 9:13 am

      I asked myself the same thing.

  6. #10 by Lisa Neumann on November 17, 2012 - 4:07 pm

    Killing me with laughter this moment.

  7. #11 by calahan on November 17, 2012 - 4:14 pm

    My wife got the Escape Hammer as a gift, a few years back. If you habitually find yourself in a car that is suddenly sinking into a lake, then it’s the perfect gift.

  8. #12 by Parlor of Horror on November 18, 2012 - 9:21 am

    Funny stuff. I’ve been tempted by the ‘Ear Vac’ lately, but know in my heart it can’t possibly work – not to mention it will break in about 10 uses. Have you ever watched ‘Shark Tank’ on ABC friday nights? They have entrepernuers come on and pitch their ideas to investors. They got some real doozies – but they also have some really good products come up on the show.

  9. #13 by Jenny on December 1, 2012 - 8:01 pm

    Oh man, I am going to have to get the recordable doorbell. It’s only $7.99! “This wireless doorbell features 8 built-in songs and tones and the option to record your favorite tune or a personal message.” I will program it to shout, “answer the fucking door for those mormons already!!” or something similar…

  10. #14 by facingfactsaboutmyself on December 15, 2012 - 5:24 pm

    Hi, I have really enjoyed blog and have nominated your blog as a very inspiring blog.

    http://facingfactsaboutmyself.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    Thanks, Paul

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