Sometimes five years seems like a lot. Sometimes it seems like not much at all, in the grand scheme of things.
Here’s what I know. Being sober is better than not. I made a lot of mistakes when I was drunk. I have also made a lot of mistakes as a sober person. The difference is that now when I screw up, I feel bad and I want to fix it. I want to apologize. I want to try not to do it again.
Sometimes I still act like an asshole. And sometimes I am still a selfish fuck. Sometimes I don’t feel like being honest. And often I really wish I had it in me to not care about anything.
But I do. I care deeply. About my kids. My husband. About the tiny handful of close friends who give a shit about my life. The ones who know how much I’ve changed. Who listen to me when I complain, when I vent, when I cry. Sure, there are some people I love very much who don’t seem to be interested in my personal journey. It bums me out. It’s also just the way life is. I am not mad at anyone about it.
Getting sober does not automatically make one a better person. Being a better person is about the last thing that comes naturally to me, but I’m trying. I am sober and I don’t want to be any other way. My mom seems to struggle with the way I practice my sobriety because I no longer participate in AA. She made some remarks a couple weeks ago about how she doesn’t know how I stay sober without it. To her, AA is how she stays sober and it’s very important to her. To me, it isn’t about going to meetings. It’s about being a better mom and wife, going back to school, staying fit, having goals, and being present. If I was drinking I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things I’m currently doing.
When I look back at 2012, I don’t feel like the same person as I was then. People have made remarks about how I’ve changed. Usually positive, but I have also been lovingly mocked for “always changing my mind” about things. But who the fuck wants to stay the same? Stagnation is death. Fluidity is essential. At this point, I can’t comfortably live my life if I’m expected to stay the same as I’ve always been.
Things are not perfect nor will they ever be. I know I could make more space for certain people. I could try harder. I could be nicer. Softer. I am working on it. I am doing the best I can do at this time.
The grass is greener where you water it. Things grow when you nurture them. The grass can be relationships. The grass can be yourself. The grass can be your life.
Gonna do my best to go for another five years.
Thanks for reading.